The postpartum Experience: Everyone Says I Should Be Happy
Written By: Irene Eastland, LCMHC
Picture this, you just had your baby. You’re thrilled to have your baby, yet, there’s something in the background of your heart and mind that hurts. You’re not able to talk about the thoughts that keep coming up because, well, no one does… Right? You feel down, anxious, and maybe even have some difficulty with rage. Yet, when you try to share these emotions with someone, they say “well, you and your baby are healthy, so that’s all that matters”... Right? Not so, your mental health is very important. And if you’re experiencing feelings of rage, increased anxiety, feeling sad or down more often than usual, or any other emotion that seems off… It’s not uncommon and you are not alone.
I’m here to let you know, motherhood hits some of us like a ton of bricks and it’s not all bliss and rainbows for some mama’s. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad mother, or you don’t love your babies. If you have difficult thoughts, or intrusive thoughts you’ve never had before - this doesn’t mean you’re a bad mother either, nor does it mean those thoughts are things you want to do, nor does it mean they’re things you are going to do. Transitioning from being a person without kids to a person with kids is the most difficult and emotionally demanding time of your life. Anyone who doesn’t understand how you’re feeling was likely told they “should just be happy” as well, or they didn’t ever share how they felt because they were afraid of what it might sound like to other people. This cycle needs to stop.
Maybe you’re wondering, “If I’m a good mother, why do I feel this way?” There are likely several factors at play with how you’re feeling. One major factor that is often not talked about enough is how your baby arrived into this world, did you have a cesarean birth or vaginal delivery? Were there interventions used like pitocin? Forceps? Or other methods of helping you deliver? Was your birth experience empowering? There are many questions, we will briefly discuss each one and their impact on your postpartum mental health. After that, we will discuss what is postpartum depression and anxiety, what are the symptoms, and when you should seek support.
Labor, Delivery, and the Impact on Your Mental Health
From forceps to vacuums, to c-sections and doctors making threats or saying things like “if you don’t do this you or your baby could die”. Things that happen during your birth are crucial to how you will be impacted after you have your baby. In fact, some studies suggest that delivering via cesarean section causes an increase in postpartum depression and anxiety. The same is true when the use interventions like forceps or vacuums are involved. Additionally, having your power taken away during the vulnerable time of giving birth can make you feel guilty, anxious, and upset about how your birth went. Feeling a lack of control in any area of your life is likely to cause some distress, and this is especially true when it comes to your birth.
When interventions are not used, many women described feeling euphoric, orgasmic, or even pure bliss. If you didn’t have those feelings, again, you are not alone and you’re not bad for not feeling this way. Even if you did have the birth you dreamed of, you may still feel anxious, depressed or angry after you have your baby due to lack of support, or even already struggling with your mental health. The fact is, there’s no specific way to know exactly how you will feel after you have your baby - so it’s crucial to start talking about what can happen, what it looks like, and how to seek help through this critical time in your life.
What are postpartum mood disorders? Why do they happen?
Often we hear about “baby blues” and how common they are for many women. Baby blues are described as feeling down, sad, or just “bleh” following the birth of your baby. This is characterized by a few weeks to maybe one month of feeling this way, and then the feeling “lifts” so to speak. Baby blues are different from postpartum anxiety and depression, in that women who experience baby blues are often feeling back to their usual self; whereas women with depression or anxiety in the postpartum period usually feel this way for several weeks or months. More than 80 percent of new moms experience baby blues, whereas roughly 13 to 19 percent of women experience postpartum depression or anxiety.
Postpartum depression is characterized by feeling down, sad, loss of interest in activities, trouble bonding with baby, difficulty sleeping, appetite issues, overwhelm, mood swings, irritability, feeling like you’re not a good mother, severe anxiety or panic attacks, thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, recurring thoughts of death or suicide, increased crying, and withdrawl from family and/or friends. Postpartum depression can be more likely to happen if you have a family history of it occurring. Ironically, when you get less sleep, you are more likely to experience depression as well, but just because you have a lack of sleep doesn’t mean you will be depressed - it’s just a factor that plays a role in depression.
Postpartum anxiety is characterized by constant checking on your baby even when you have already checked on them recently, “worst case scenario” thinking all the time, difficulty relaxing, trouble sleeping, feeling on-edge, avoiding certain situations, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, and obsessive behaviors. Anxiety in the postpartum period can be brought on by genetics, a history of having anxiety, lack of sleep, and the way you birthed your baby. As stated earlier, having a cesarean puts moms at a higher risk of postpartum mood disorders in general. In addition, the postpartum period is filled with “what if’s” and when these start to become overwhelming, they can quickly turn into anxiety instead of regular worries about being a new mom.
Postpartum psychosis is characterized by hallucinations (seeing things that aren’t there), delusions (false beliefs that even when disproven still persist), severe mood swings (feeling super excited one minute and extremely down/depressed the next), confusion (disorientation to time, place, etc), on-going anxiety and agitation, bizarre behavior (acting disoriented or in a way that is just not “usual” for you), obsessions (thoughts of baby getting hurt or other obsessions that don’t go away or are difficult to control), and compulsions (checking things, monitoring things, doing repetitive tasks as a way to “stop” bad things from happening). If you are experiencing these symptoms, please seek professional medical attention immediately by dialing 911. Having postpartum psychosis does not mean you are a bad mom or that you don’t love your baby, it means your brain is firing on all cylinders and is going through an extreme change in hormones from pregnancy to postpartum. Being able to identify that you are struggling with this is a strength, not a weakness, and getting treatment is the best thing you can do for you and your baby.
To wrap this up, you are not a a bad mom for experiencing any number of emotions during the postpartum period. Many people don’t realize the dramatic shift that happens from pregnancy to postpartum. Your progesterone, estrogen, and other hormone levels are dropping at drastic rates. You’re losing several pounds a day due to water loss, and your body shrinking your uterus down. You may even be breastfeeding and learning a totally new skill on how to feed your baby with your body. 100 things are happening and it’s very difficult to keep up with them all sometimes. But having difficulties with your mental health isn’t some sign that you’re a bad mother or that you’ve failed somehow. You’re incredible for birthing this human being, regardless of the way you birthed your baby. And you’re doing so so good in this postpartum period - even if you’re struggling. Keep reading on to see when you should seek support during this trying time.
When should you seek support?
When it comes to postpartum depression, anxiety, psychosis, or anything else you’re experiencing, it’s best to seek support when you start noticing things aren’t quite right. Rather than allowing yourself to “push through” or “just get over it”, seek help from a professional (you can find a counselor here at Life in Bloom Counseling), or you can start talking with a medication provider (we have a page to Zen Behavioral Health where you can start discussing medication options to reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression). You could also seek support groups online or in-person. Regardless of what you’re experiencing, know you are not alone. That’s why we want to keep talking about things like postpartum depression and other common mood disorders so we can normalize the conversation, and help people realize they can get help. If you are experiencing postpartum psychosis, it’s crucial to connect with your local hospital right away, contact 911 or have your spouse, partner, or closest friend bring you to the hospital so you are able to get the proper treatment.
There’s so much stigma around seeking treatment, especially when people expect you to be happy after having a baby. Having had a baby recently myself, I know all too well that you may feel guilty, ashamed, and overwhelmed at the thought of seeking support. Believe me, us moms need the support even if we aren’t willing to admit it, and we’re not bad for needing support and extra love. Our babies need us to be the best version of ourselves for them, so if that means therapy, medication, both, or support groups - do what makes you the best version of yourself for your babies.
Conclusion
Becoming a mother is an incredible accomplishment, regardless of the way you deliver, whether you had interventions or not. Any factor you can add here does not take away from your awesome accomplishment of becoming a mama. You aren’t a bad mother for experiencing depression and anxiety, it’s not your fault nor is it your baby’s fault. Factors like lack of sleep, lack of support, and your birthing experience all play key roles in how you function and return to your usual self after having a baby.