Let’s Talk: Family Dynamics and Boundaries
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, “why won’t my (insert family member here) give me space?” Or “why don’t they listen to me?” You’re not alone. It’s hard to set boundaries within a family, especially within a family where the dynamics are less than “functional”. There may be severe tension when you try to limit contact. Some family members may also gaslight you into sticking around when you try to disconnect or take space. Yet, you have this burning desire to be free of these issues, and you can be, by setting boundaries. Despite how hard it may be, we’re going to discuss family dynamics that are considered functional versus dysfunctional, and how these functionalities contribute to your success in setting boundaries with your family members. Not only that, you will learn some tools to start setting boundaries today.
Functional versus Dysfunctional Family Dynamics
Not every family dynamic is ideal, but that doesn't mean they're “dysfunctional” as described by some sources. Some of the features of dysfunctionality in a family might be… abusive (physical or otherwise) behaviors, blurred boundary lines, children caring for their siblings or parents (or both), not being able to communicate openly (especially children not being able to talk about their feelings), one member dominates the family and doesn't care about others’ needs, lack of flexibility, expectation for perfectionism from everyone in the family, and use of people (especially children) as pawns.
These dynamics create issues with setting boundaries due to the already inconsistent nature of the relationships in the household/family. Even if it's not spoken outright to you, it may be subtly spoken that “you're not allowed to speak up for yourself and if you do, watch out!” This subtle messaging can be detrimental to one's ability to set and keep boundaries in a family. As a child, you might’ve felt like you weren’t heard, or you didn’t have your basic needs met (even if you didn’t realize it at the time). As an adult, this grows into feeling as though you’re not allowed to assert yourself, and when you do, you pay for it with ridiculing, belittlement, or through guilt trips.
There’s a variety of ways this shows up as an adult, but the main theme here is that boundaries are violated. For instance, if you say to your mom that you don’t want her to yell and swear at you when you come to her home, she says “well, if you don’t like it, then leave, cause I ain’t changing”. This dynamic can make you feel confused, angry, and unsure if your feelings are even relevant or if you’re “allowed” to speak your mind. Dysfunctional family dynamics can create a variety of long-term struggles for people, so setting boundaries within these family dynamics can empower you to break the cycle - so, how can you set boundaries in your family?
Boundary Setting Within Dysfunctional Family Dynamics
Boundary setting can be challenging in any family. However, setting boundaries with family members who consistently disrespect and devalue your opinions, thoughts, and feelings creates another layer of tension when it comes to boundary setting. Here are some ideas for setting boundaries within a dysfunctional family.
Keep it simple
One of the hardest things about setting boundaries is overcomplicating the boundary. Instead of stating simply; “I won’t allow you to speak to me that way”. You might end up explaining yourself in this way; “I don’t like the way you talk to me, I really don’t understand why you are like this, I don’t appreciate it. Please stop talking to me that way or I’m going to be very upset”. This overcomplicated boundary can lead to arguments, and eventually you might “give in” to the boundary violations because it’s “just easier that way”. While it might be easier at that moment. It leaves you feeling empty, confused, and unsure of yourself over and over again because you consistently feel like you’re in the wrong. So, when you’re setting boundaries with anyone - keep it simple! Say, “If you are going to yell at me, I’m going to walk away”. Then proceed to walk away if the yelling occurs. Or “If you’re going to be critical of me, I’m not speaking with you”, and ignore the individual or again, walk away/leave. Boundaries can and are simple, the hardest part is saying them, and sticking to them.
Take time to yourself
Even if you don’t directly say “I’m taking a break from you” to family or others, you can take a break from them. Sure, they might not like it that they don’t see you for a while - but when they see you are they supportive, encouraging, and uplifting? Or are they degrading you, chastising your choices, and making you feel ridiculous for your every move? Take these things into consideration, and assess if you need to take a break. Instead of saying “hey I don’t want to see you for a while”. Work on setting boundaries silently, by keeping conversations over the phone or text short and sweet, and don’t reply out of certain hours - even if they constantly text or call over and over again. Setting these simple boundaries within yourself can build your confidence to eventually set the boundary directly. Once you’ve taken a few weeks, months, or even years (if you wish), you can reassess and see where you’re at with maintaining your boundaries and not allowing others to violate them. Then, maybe you can go see those folks, but if not - just know they will be okay, and you don’t have to allow them to be in your life if the results make you feel even worse.
Make Space for your Emotions
Having your boundaries broken for years can cause you difficulty with processing emotions and being able to understand your emotions. For instance, being told “just stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about”, makes you less likely to share and process emotions in general. Making space for your emotions can help you start recognizing when you’re feeling anxious, sad, afraid, down, happy, and other emotions you may not have recognized in the past. At the time, it was not safe to share them or to acknowledge their existence. By giving your emotions room to be felt and dealt with, you can start to find yourself more apt to setting boundaries so your heart isn’t being hurt every time you talk with a family member or other people. You can finally voice your feelings, without allowing someone else to change them or try to tell you “you don’t feel that way” or apologize for your feelings. It’s crucial to give emotions a space to be processed or they come out in other ways (i.e. physical illnesses, depression, increased anxiety, feeling easily overwhelmed by little things). By giving them space, you open yourself up to being able to set healthy boundaries - even in a dysfunctional family setting.
Tips and Tricks to Keep Yourself Sane While Setting Boundaries
Therapy
Of course, I am biased as a therapist, but I think therapy can truly help you with setting boundaries when it comes to difficult family dynamics. You might be wondering “how can therapy help?” A few things you might do in therapy would be a) learning to identify what’s important to you (i.e. your values), b) learning to live by your values, c) identifying when your actions aren’t aligned with your values, d) and learning how to implement these values into your every day life and interactions with family. In addition, a therapist can use role play methods to help you approach conversations you might have with family members. Using assertive communication, practicing how to say “No”, are all things you can learn in therapy. Not only that, therapy can give you an outlet when boundary violations occur, because oftentimes, they will still happen. Finally, within therapy you can process traumatic memories or other things that come up from your family history.
Support
Another helpful tool can be to find supportive friends or even estranged family members that have distanced themselves due to the family dynamics. Many times these individuals can help you see things with an “outside perspective”. When you get a chance to see things differently, it can show you how bad things might actually be. In addition, these people could help you stay level headed and evaluate what is said to you while you're distancing or removing yourself from the family dynamics. By having input, you are less likely to be taken in by manipulative tactics family members might use.
Self-Care
A final tool is to practice self-care, self-compassion, and self-forgiveness. By making yourself a priority, you’re shifting the old narratives in your mind that might say “you’re not worth the time”, and start thinking of how invaluable you are just for being you. This space and time can help you think through the negative thoughts and feelings. Loving yourself first, allows you to let go of the thoughts of “am I crazy?” that you might be thinking because of family interactions. Taking care of what you need first, and then identifying how to handle outside issues can ultimately lead you to success in managing/eliminating the issues. By forgiving yourself for making hard decisions and not being able to give anymore of yourself to the dysfunction, is key to letting go and moving towards a peaceful and healthy life.
Conclusion
Regardless of your family of origin, how you were raised, and how you’re treated now, you deserve to be able to set boundaries - even if someone else doesn’t want you to. Recognizing the dynamics that hold you back from setting and keeping these boundaries can help you to overcome those barriers, and start to set the boundaries even when it’s hard. Finding support, working with a close friend or therapist to talk with family members, or working through past experiences with boundaries can help you start setting and maintaining your boundaries within your family. The reality is, setting boundaries within your family can be difficult, and it’s up to you to go against the grain of how you were raised - which can be a huge step and hurdle to face alone. Yet, setting boundaries frees you from the anxiety, pressure, and overwhelm you feel when facing the family dynamics you’ve experienced in your life. Even though it’s difficult to set boundaries, in the end, it’s worth it.
Remember, your life is a flower that’s always in bloom, you get to choose what comes from your growth.
Sources
https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-makes-a-family-functional-vs-dysfunctional