Why Talking to be heard and not to listen is hurting your relationships
Relationships are hard enough, but they pose a greater difficulty when someone is talking to be heard and not to listen. This might seem obvious, but there are a few things you can do to check in with yourself on whether you’re truly listening to those in your life. Or if you’re listening to be heard. Let’s dive in
What it means to listen versus hear
Many people don’t realize that listening is a skill. A skill you acquire by taking action to listen without the intent of replying to what the person is saying. This doesn’t mean you’re ignoring the person, this means you’re not formulating your response ahead of time before they’ve finished speaking. This could look like; letting your partner finish their thought before you say “well, that’s not going to work”. Or allowing a coworker to express frustrations without saying, “that’s happened to me too”. It can also look like not interrupting. Oftentimes, people are interrupting others without realizing. “Wait you mean people can just interrupt without thinking about it?” to put it simply, yes! Most often we don’t recognize our own behaviors until someone points it out to us. In terms of reading, this would look like if my sentence ended… And then it happened again. See how that makes no sense? It’s because the middle part wasn’t heard (or in your case, read). This is what happens when we listen to hear and be heard, rather than to understand.
Listening is a crucial skill for anyone to learn. This can look like someone who has been hearing only what they want to for years, sitting down while someone is speaking, putting their hand over their mouth, and then only asking questions about what the speaker is saying rather than having a response. This could also look like someone who chronically interrupts allowing someone to finish sentences while holding their lips tightly together. It could also look like someone listening and sticking with what the speaker said, rather than shifting the conversation to be about themselves. Listening, regardless of what efforts it takes to do at first, is definitely a practice and something that has to be learned. As someone who used to speak more than listen, and is now a listener by trade, I can attest to the effort it takes to learn to listen and not just hear.
Did you know? Hearing is not a skill. Hearing is a physiological process you do each day. You hear your refrigerator, you hear your television, your phone, you hear traffic in the background, or maybe dogs barking in your neighborhood. However, much of these things are easily ignored because your brain cannot handle listening to every single sound possible, or you’d be overstimulated before you even started your day. Take a deep breath for a moment, close your eyes, and try to pick out all the sounds you can hear. Whether your own breathing, the sounds in your home, or wherever you are, just try to identify 3 to 5 sounds you weren’t already aware of. As I type this, I can hear my typing, but also my breathing, and some traffic going by my home. Anyways, these noises are just things you’re used to hearing, so you block most of them out. That’s why random noises, like something falling off the counter, catch your attention, because they are “out of the ordinary” noises you don’t normally hear in a day. Hearing is just something you do. It doesn’t take effort or skill. It doesn’t require you to do anything different with your life.
When someone is hearing they are taking in what’s being said fully, but only in the subconscious mind. However, when they are hearing only, they aren’t listening fully with their working memory (where you formulate replies to what is said), and they miss parts and pieces of what is said. This is a normal process, by which we survive with because we typically “fill in the blanks”. This works fine if someone says “I’ll be home at 3pm”. You probably don’t need to ask questions about this statement, or make a conversation out of it. But you do need to at least hear it to remember “they will be home at 3pm”. But when full sentences are being spoken, someone is expressing their feelings, or they are trying to make a point. Your hearing can get in the way of this, as you may only listen to about 16% of what that person says, and only hear the rest. Most people formulate their response from this 16 percent of what they heard, resulting in arguments, feeling unheard, and feeling as if “no one ever gets you”. This is understandable, especially if people truly are walking over you, and not listening to what you say. Later in this we will discuss some strategies to assert yourself more, and to help others listen when you speak. But for now, let’s discuss what happens in any relationship when you’re not willing to listen.
What happens to relationships when someone isn’t willing to listen?
I’m sure the answer to this question seems obvious to you in this moment, “it hurts the relationship!”. Of course, it does hurt the relationship. But what if I told you, it also hurts you as well? If you’re not listening, it can start to easily feel as if everyone around you is also not listening to you. This feeling of “not being heard or listened to” can translate into more of your own not listening to others, without even realizing it. I felt for a long time that if I just explained enough, or said enough, people would eventually start to listen to me, and understand what I was saying. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The more talking you do to try and shift someone else’s mindset around what you’re saying, or to “make them listen”, you’re going to get further and further from your goal of “getting them to listen”. Oftentimes, the more you try to “get someone to see it your way”, the more they see it their own way. This leads to arguments, maybe the “cold shoulder” (not okay, by the way), and future issues with communicating overall. This can affect friendships, family interactions, romantic relationships, and even work relationships.
A relationship without good listeners is also likely to fall apart quickly. For instance, if one person in a relationship thinks “well, if they aren’t going to listen to me, I won’t listen to them either”. Both parties are going to stop communicating, maybe they won’t even try to start talking anymore. This can lead to passive aggressive statements like “wow, no one did the dishes, amazing how they don’t just do themselves”. Or aggressive statements such as, “you better clean this house, or get off that video game…” with potential for name calling, insult hurling, and the like. Break downs in communication don’t just make communication stop, it makes communication painful. Until someone is willing to put down their own pride and ego for a moment (i.e. the desire to be heard), the relationship is likely to continue having problems. Maybe you’re wondering what interferes with your ability to listen, and I hope you are, because we will discuss some of those factors now.
Interferences with the ability to listen, rather than hearing only
This is just a short list of things that can interfere with someone’s ability to listen. While this list isn’t exhaustive, there are many factors that contribute to lack of listening and especially listening for understanding. But a few of the main ones that apply to many people, are found here.
While many distractions in life exist (i.e. work, school, etc.). The reality is that many of our distractions tend to be self-inflicted. Think, scrolling on your phone, texting, watching endless loops of videos, or binge watching shows on Netflix. Regardless of the distraction you’ve invited into your life, these distractions are one of the biggest reasons for a breakdown in communication abilities. People often struggle to listen because they are hoping for instant gratification from the conversation. When that doesn’t happen, or the conversation doesn’t seem “interesting” enough for them, they might shut off their listening and just go with their automatic hearing. Think of a conversation you’ve had with someone, where they suddenly looked at their watch, started texting, or played a movie/show while you were still speaking. The individual has likely checked out of the conversation, and is not listening actively at this point. It’s best to stop talking with that individual, or to ask them for their undivided attention if that’s something you need in the moment. We will discuss more skills that you can use to help your family, friends, or whomever, listen better to you (while also listening better yourself, first).
One thing about technology that also causes issues with listening is that texting is a form of constant communication where you can send multiple responses, and then read their responses, then send more responses. There are no natural pauses like communicating out loud. Often texting communication tends to take over when someone talks out loud if they are often texting instead of talking aloud. This can look like responding quickly, but only to a quarter of what you said. Having to repeat yourself multiple times for them to understand (which could be a verbal processing difficulty as well, as we will discuss in a little bit). Or it might be they have much to say that leads to other topics, taking you and them away from the original issue or thing being discussed. Texting is fine when you’re texting, but remembering to pause, listen, and validate are the key skills needed for effective listening.
Another issue that can create difficulty with listening is a lack of empathy. Now, everyone has some form of empathy - some have a little more than others, and some have, well, less. I am not saying you have less, but here are a few traits of conversations with people who lack empathy. One, they often interrupt or simply check out before you’ve finished a sentence or a thought. Two, they might tell you how to feel about something. For instance, saying something “isn’t that bad”. “I had it worse (insert random scenario they bring up)”, “you have to just get over it”, or “think positively, no worries about that! it’s no big deal”. This is done without acknowledging your emotions. Third, they often spend a majority of the conversation talking about themselves and rarely ask questions about you. Oftentimes, these conversations leave you feeling like you are actually a therapist and not really their friend. Finally, they might not really grasp your non-verbal ques. They might gloss over the fact that you’re trying to leave, shown by grabbing the door, or directly stating “I’m leaving now”. Or they simply don’t see how uncomfortable a topic is making you. Now, this is with the caveat that some people are not good at reading body language in general it doesn’t mean they all lack empathy. This is just one characteristic the person might have if they lack empathy, in addition to the other characteristics mentioned here.
It’s really easy to look at everyone in your life and think, “wow they fit this so well!”. But in this, I like to challenge the person reading, not the people who aren’t reading. Rather than being critical of whoever is in your life who does these things, try some self-evaluation. Do you feel relieved after a conversation but notice your friend didn’t say much? What efforts have you made recently to ask questions to someone when they were speaking? Have you devalued emotions recently because you weren’t sure how to deal with them? Do you find yourself “ready to answer” or “ready to respond” the second someone is finished talking? Or maybe you’re answering before they’re even really done? Are you thinking more about what you might say, rather than listening to what someone else is saying? Do you feel you have to “get the last word” in an argument or conversation? Thinking about these questions, and evaluating your own ability to listen to others can help prevent you from being the person who others think lacks empathy.
One final issue in listening skills can be caused by a difficulty with processing verbal information. Some people are great verbal processors, meaning they hear something, absorb it, and understand it within seconds of listening to someone talk. However, many people are slower to process verbal communication. In fact, some people are better at absorbing what is written here, than they are at listening to what someone else is saying. You, of course, cannot necessarily know that someone has verbal processing difficulties. However, you can be mindful that if someone seems to be “missing your point” or you have this happen where you “miss the point”, you can recognize this could be a sign that someone is not processing the verbal information they are getting. By recognizing this, you can course correct. Let’s talk about some strategies for being a better listener, and helping others to listen to you as well.
Strategies to listen more effectively, and learn to be heard
In an ideal world, we would use our ears twice as much as our mouth. We wouldn’t have a lack of understanding, nor would we have communication difficulties. However, since we live in a world where many people would like to be heard more than they want to listen, we have to train ourselves first to be better listeners and make good use of the two ears we were given to take audible information in from those around us. Here are some strategies for listening instead of hearing only.
The first strategy is to listen and validate emotions you hear in a conversation. This looks something like this, “I had a really hard day at school, everyone seemed so angry, and it really brought me down. Then I got a ton of homework, and I’m just so stressed”. If you typically say, “it’s okay”, let’s refrain from this statement. Try, “that sounds like you had a stressful day, do you want to tell me more about that?” This gives the person space to decide if they need to vent or if they feel better just from you acknowledging that they felt stressed. If you’re not looking to listen for a long time, maybe you can ask about talking about things later in the day. But still validate the emotions of stress, overwhelm, maybe some anxiety, or anger they might have in the scenario shared. This doesn’t have to be a big to-do, just a simple acknowledgement that it’s actually not okay yet for the person who is expressing themselves, and it will be okay but for now they need to be validated in the moment.
Another strategy to learning to listen, is to ask questions. Asking questions gives the other person an opportunity to share parts of themselves you may not know about them. This also increases your empathy and understanding of others. It can also help you recognize your own biases. For instance, you might think getting up early is ridiculous, but the more questions you ask your early rising friend, you might be better able to understand what motivates them, their thoughts on getting up early, and how they started doing it. Which could help you see it differently. Maybe you still get up later, but hey, you were learning about someone other than yourself and that’s a great thing to help build your listening muscles. By asking questions more often, and not assuming, you are going to build your own empathy and understanding of other people. Specifically, asking questions that start with “how”, “what”, “when”, or “where” instead of “why” can help you start learning about others’ emotions, thoughts, and lifestyles. Getting to know more about something that’s not typically what you’re doing, allows you outside of your own thinking comfort zone, and into a new realm of thinking possibilities.
Finally, if you’re noticing that someone is having a hard time understanding you, you can use the method of asking more questions, but this time for recognizing the persons understanding. For instance, if you’re speaking and the person tilts their head or says “that doesn’t make sense”, you can ask “how can I help you understand what I’m saying”, or “is there a better way for me to explain this?” Sometimes you might ask these questions within yourself, and then respond differently, or explain in a new way to the person you’re speaking to. This can help avoid fights over lack of understanding. This also affords the other person empathy and understanding. It also recognizes that they may not be processing the verbal information quickly, and may need alternate explanations to help their understanding. By doing this, you can limit issues within communication and become a better listener.
Applying all the skills here, one at a time, can improve your listening drastically. Give them a try! Read on for more ways on being assertive when people really aren’t listening to you.
How to use assertiveness in a healthy way
If you find that you truly aren’t being heard by people in your life. For instance, your boss interrupts you, your spouse is nodding their head but needs you to repeat yourself 15 times, your mother says she heard you but then doesn’t remember what you said, or she interrupts. This could also look like friends not including you in conversation. While these are things that can happen to anyone at some point in their life, for a period of time, there are individuals who struggle with these things regularly. One of the biggest reasons for this happening constantly to someone is a lack of assertiveness. So, let’s talk about being assertive in a healthy way.
Assertiveness isn’t aggressive: By asserting yourself, you’re deciding to say things such as, “I wasn’t done talking yet, please let me finish”, or “I feel hurt when you interrupt me, please listen without interrupting”. You aren’t belittling or berating the person for interrupting or not listening, you are simply making “I” statements, where you specifically name how you feel, the action you were performing, and what the other person can do to help. Please and thank you are still warranted in these situations. Never stoop to someone else’s level of disrespect, I know it’s tempting and very easy to do. I, too, am guilty of doing so - but I know from experience it’s not worth it. Anyways, here are some more “I” statements you can try to use: “I feel upset when I’m speaking and you look at your phone, would you please look at me until the conversation is over?”, “I feel angry when you start watching your show while we’re having a conversation, could you please let me know that you don’t want to talk anymore instead of ignoring me?”, “I feel unheard when I have to repeat myself, please listen to me so I won’t have to repeat myself”. Notice the format here, “I feel (insert emotion here)”, then “when you (name specific behavior, nothing more, nothing less)”, and “so please (name the thing you’d like them to do the next time)”. This format is useful for any conversation, with any person in your life. Work on this before having tough conversations, for instance, use it on your dog or cat if they step on you, or bark loudly.
Assertiveness isn’t overexplaining: One downfall of having conversations with others can be you might overexplain yourself. This results in people feeling they have to “shut off” because they are getting too much information at once. Sometimes, I find myself overexplaining things, and then I need to check in with the person I’m talking to and see if they’re understanding or if I’m in left field. Which is okay, because checking is our next skill (keep reading this part though). Nevertheless, overexplaining is a great way to go unheard and to find no one is listening. Anyone who listens can find overexplaining difficult to follow. So, instead of trying to get every point made. Think ahead “what’s my main point”? Then work on identifying how you want to communicate this. If you’re like me, you’re a verbal processor, so you speak out loud to understand something. If you’re still trying to understand something, try working it out through talking with yourself, journaling, or recording a voice note then listening to it again. Do one of these things instead of overexplaining in a conversation. This difficulty of overexplaining is the opposite of assertiveness. Assertiveness is straight to the point, no fluff in between. For instance, the statements above that you just read in the first skill in assertiveness, are all straightforward. Sometimes there truly is no need to explain yourself, only to be direct, and concise. You will find with more practice on being direct and concise people are less likely to interrupt (there’s not a lot said that they can interrupt), and what you said is more likely to be remembered. Practice being direct and concise each day by stating only the obvious, without fluff. Think to yourself, “what’s my main point?”, and “what’s the simplest way to convey that point in as few words as possible?”. Finally, let’s talk about checking.
Assertiveness is checking-in: When you’re assertive, it’s okay to still check-in with the listener. Asking things like, “does that make sense?”, “are you understanding what I’m saying?”, “do you need me to rephrase that?”, or “how can I help you understand this better?”. You can also ask someone to, “please repeat what I just said”, when they start saying things that aren’t related to the conversation or the main point you were making. By checking in with the listener, you are actively trying to help them see if they are listening (see, teaching listening without saying “you never listen to me”). You can check-in at any time in a conversation, and you can use this with anyone in your life. It helps to know that someone is really listening to you. It also prevents them from getting distracted because they may come to realize you’re not going to just speak, but ask if they heard you or not. When you practice this, try to recognize your own tone of voice when speaking. Work on not having a tone of “you aren’t listening”, or an attitude that makes the other person feel as if you are thinking they aren’t smart enough to listen. Use any of these assertiveness strategies in your life, and then see how much better people start listening to you, and how much better of a communicator you become.
Conclusion
Making a conscious effort to listen and not just be heard is something we could all benefit from. Hearing is just something we do every day, and we have to use our hearing to listen - but listening is a skill that is learned through practice. Practicing listening by covering your mouth, or pursing your lips while some else speaks gives you the time to listen to 100 percent of what they say instead of only 16 percent. While instant gratification, technology, verbal processing issues, and lacking empathy are all potential problems with our listening abilities - these aren’t meant to be used an excuse to never listen, but as a means to learn where we can grow. If someone continues to choose to not listen, relationships crumble, people get hurt, and may get stuck in a loop of feeling as if they’re never heard. Skills to listen more effectively are crucial to overcoming the challenges to listening. While also implementing strategies to be more assertive is going to help you become better at communicating, thus helping people listen better to you as well. Remember, if you’re the one reading this article, work towards how you can communicate and listen better - try not to apply this to others in your life who haven’t read it. It tends to be very, very ineffective. All in all, communication is critical to happy, healthy relationships that last. If you’re noticing that your relationships are struggling, work to apply these skills and see how different things can be in a short time.
Remember, your life is always in bloom - you choose what flower you will become.
Resources
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